I Want Muscles!

My mother was angry with me.

Me too, I was angry with her.

She slammed the door at me, me too, I slammed mine right back.

“Isi odo!” She called me; meaning the head of a mortar

Or putting it mildly- coconut head.

Me, I couldn’t call her any name…so I kept quiet…biting my tongue. I grabbed the nearest container and headed for the public borehole. Fetching water was like therapy for me, anytime I clashed with my mum, I looked for a chore that would take me far from her.

I was the only one there when I arrived, placing my container under the tap, I recalled the last event.

What was responsible for our fight?

Man oooo!

Imagine mama wanting me to marry Ifekandu, the exalted fumigator! Me! Nwakaego, wife to Ifekandu the fumigator? He is not even fine. Black mamba! Where is the honour? Mba kwa! Big capital NO!

Ah! So that our house will be smelling of dead cockroaches and wall geckos.

“I will take care of you Nwaka…with my bare hands I have killed snakes …” he had said.

‘If you like, kill  lions’, I sneered.

Alu! Abomination! Ifekandu that when breeze blows he will bend over like he wants to break, no single muscle on him. Short-man devil! God forbid! Me, Nwakaego, If I’m going to get a man, he has to be a man. Like, he has to have muscles. Six packs, bill board chest! Big and strong ! Full option.

“Are you sure you came here to fetch water?” asked a voice from behind me.

Irritated, I retorted “What does it look like I came here to do?”

“I’ve never seen anyone fetch water in a basket before.”

Can you imagine?! I actually came to the borehole with a basket. My mum can make me do silly things.  Embarrassed, I turned off the tap quietly and turned around to leave, then, I beheld this man-god. Chai! I blushed to the roots of my hair. That was how I met Dozie.

My mum and I became besties since the day I brought Dozie home. The icing on the cake was that he was from my village.

Hmm…Dozie nkem! My handsome muscular Dozie. Sugar cane baby. Nwaka’s one and only. Whenever he jingles his breasts during the traditional display of our war dance, I melt all over. You need to see Dozie’s muscles, chai! One part of his abs is the size of my fist.  Whenever I touch his body like this, it used to scatter my brain!  My friends tell me that I am lucky and I know I am. Dozie owns the local gym in our community. He helps men who want to grow six packs like himself do so. He’s often boasted to me that he was going to go international and I imagined myself beside him on the international stage. Nwakaego, wife to Dozie, the international body builder.

Soon, his people came to our house for my introduction, they knocked on our door and we opened it. Our wedding day was fixed and I couldn’t wait.

Two weeks to our wedding day, I visited Dozie, I hadn’t seen him in a while and I was concerned. On arriving his flat, I saw he was down with malaria. Apparently he had tried to beat the disease without taking medication, but the mosquitoes that bit him were very determined.   Asides the high temperature, he kept throwing up and so became very weak. I quickly ran to call nurse, who lived some houses away.

As she prepared his medication, I briefly excused myself to go to the toilet and then suddenly I heard a crashing noise and my sick Dozie ran out of the room half naked, shivering in fright. Nurse came out very upset. “Your silly husband doesn’t want to take his medication”.

I looked at my now miserable Dozie, who was hiding behind me cowering and shivering like a five-year-old.

“Please, don’t let her give me injection”, he pleaded. Then I saw the tears.

It took four men to hold him down for nurse to inject him. Dozie cried like a baby. I stood in shock at this revelation. I was disgusted.

“What?! with all the muscles?” Unbelievable! Our wedding was in two weeks.

 I’m seriously contemplating what to do.